The dark spins a cocoon around us, only broken by the soft light from the lamps on the opposite wall. It shuts the world out, its just you and me now. The way it works best you know? You are already asleep, soft long lashes resting on your cheeks, your lips slightly parted, your breathing deep. Your face is so familiar and yet still so unknown to me. I feel confusion rise again, and I quickly focus on other things. I count your breaths, feel the pressure of your arms on my waist. But there is too much space between us to my taste, so I slowly get closer until my body touches yours. I let your warmth save me as I drown in your wonderful smell like I have done so many times before. I put my arms around your waist, and bury my face against your chest. I know this place in your arms, it feels like home.
You sigh and I fear that I have woken you but then you just put your arms close around me again. Your right hand makes small circles on my back, a comforting, soothing gesture that tells me I'm safe, and loved... As you sink back to dreamland the gestures slow down but they dont stop, you keep rubbing my back. It tickles and tingles, its loving and exciting at the same time... I concentrate on you completely, on your hand, on the feel and smell of you, and block all other thoughts.
Oh my Bill, dont you know how difficult it is for me to feel like I belong here? I fall into my own trap so easily, of thinking you can do better, of thinking I only weigh you down. The unwanted thoughts dont let themselves be chased away so easily not even by your presence, thoughts of you having a better life with someone else by your side. And I would let you, you know I would because I love you and I want you to have the best. I told you that yesterday. I just cannot wrap my head around your answer, that the best for you is ...me. Someone like me? Someone as complicated, and as messed up as me? Why? You, who can have anyone you want, you for who the girls line up miles and miles long, you picked me, and after all this time... I still cant wrap my head around that. What have I done that I should have you for the rest of my life?
As my tears roll down my face, me unable to hold them in, I feel you stir again. Im trembling from trying unsuccesfully not to cry, my breathing is uneven but I try, Bill, I try not to wake you. Its what I was trained to do remember? Do not disturb...
That one thought breaks my defence and I cry in earnest now. I try to let go of you, so I can get up without waking you but I feel resistance, feel your arms locking in place to keep me where I am. I look up and find you awake, your deep brown eyes reflecting the soft lamplight so they look like they are shining from deep within. You ask me whats wrong and I cant tell you, I dont have the words to explain what goes through someone when their whole world has been turned upside down, when their foundations and everything they believed in their entire life, is thrown out the window. Even if that change is as positive as this one was, its still scary, because you have no points of reference left and what used to work before no longer works now...
But how do I put that in words that dont sound completely insane?
As I look into your eyes, my fears melt away. With you, there is no need to run, no need to hide how Im feeling. You were there, for so much of the past, good and bad, that you know me better than I know myself... You brush my tears away, and as you lean in I close my eyes a fraction before I feel your lips on mine, softly like butterfly wings. Yes... I need this, need you. As you keep kissing me I feel my body unwind, feel how I start to kiss you back even though that decision was unconsciously made. Please dont go too far I think, please ...
But I worry needlessly, as always. Once my body is relaxed, molding perfectly into yours, you just pull me against your shoulder again. Softly your thumb caresses my eyelids, sleep, it tells me, you are safe now. I keep my eyes closed as you caress my face. My eyelids, nose, lips, cheek... If I were a cat I would be purring now. In turn, I caress your body too, feel how you move softly to follow the path my hand makes on your skin. I direct my thoughts to all the times we have been lying like this before, close to eachother. It still feels like a miracle, and I will never get used to it, I know that much. My mind now takes flight again to happy places, to you giving back my choice that my father stole from me, to how gentle you were with me when you took my virginity in a candle lit hotelroom, to our adventures on Harley, to the look on your face when you put the ring on my hand, to every kiss and every touch we ever shared and I realise, really and truly, that by some miracle you really do love me and need me.
"Bill"...
I hesitate, it is so difficult for me to get the words out. Such a scary thing to do...
"I love you"
I see your smile and feel you pull me in, this time Im not sure where this will end. You rub your nose against mine and I realise you know how difficult that just was for me.
I love you too you whisper, before your lips part mine and we lose ourselves in another kiss
Please... Never let it end...
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