FanFic: Save a Prayer

Be gentle people, Im not a writer!!!!



The rumble of thunder overhead seems to echo the beating of my heart as I sit alone in one of the plastic chairs of the airport. All around me there is a buzz, of high spirited people who arrive, ready for a vacation in paradise. Other people leave, tanned and relaxed. But it doesnt touch me at all. I am neither happy or relaxed, I feel like my world just shattered like glass that exploded, where each shard reflects things back to you until you see everything at once.

Dont think about that

But I have to think about it... I have no other choice. From my deepest memory rises his face, like I saw it only yesterday, his smile, the feel of his soft lips on mine as he kissed me hello... Its all over now. A single tear escapes and makes its lonely way over my cheek until I wipe it away impatiently. Crying wont solve anything, I havent even got the right to cry.

An airplane that lands and taxies catches my attention for a moment, its features are distorted by the rain pouring down on the high windows. Raindops are born and die in an endless cycle, my own pale face reflected in the window seems to be covered in spots and little streams. It makes me less... alive... somehow...

I still have hours to go before my flight leaves, I dont even know which gate I have to go to but it doesnt matter, Im content to just sit here for the time being. If I shut my mind off from the details, this could be any airport in any country, and I could be any girl instead of someone who just messed up the best thing she ever had and ever will have. Regret wells up in me like a giant bubble and before I can stop it, memories fill me up until they seem to devour me in a crushing wave of pain...

Bill

The name that has filled my thoughts for ages it seems, never before did it hurt so badly. My thoughts fly back to the beginning of my story... to where we first met and I let them, I lose myself in the happy past.

The present hurts too much anyway...

Fascinating and mysterious. O.O Can't wait for more! ;D

Chapter one: 2007

I feel myself sinking in the luxurious pale beige leather of the cars front seat, settling in for a long long drive but already eager to start. An escape, a getaway from my miserable stinking life, at least for some days... I dont wave goodbye as the car pulls out of the driveway and turns left. There is no one there I will miss. Infact, in my life there arent any people I would ever miss. I would be glad to be rid of all of them if I had the chance. The only creature I would label "miss-worthy" is my goldfish and its not exactly like I have lengthy conversation with him... Or her... Or, whatever it is...

"And, looking forward?"

My uncle Mark woke me from my thoughts, and I turn my unwilling attention to him for a moment. He is nice, of course, but he is blinded by the dazzling facade that is projected to the outside world just like everyone else is. And the real person behind that facade, me, is all but forgotten after all these years. They all see what my partner wants them to see, a happy home and a harmonious couple when in reality...

"what are they called again?"

"Tokio Hotel"

Strange name... My expectations were not that high as I settled in for a nap while every second brought me further away from the home I hated so fiercely...

"Tokio Hotel", as it turned out was a pretty big deal. It wasnt the first time I was invited to a record company "do" by my uncle and I had learned that the food at such things was directly related to the number of records sold. Judging by the seemingly endless buffet, consisting of all sorts of luxury treats, these guys were big time money makers. My uncle left me hovering by the smoked salmon-and-radish toasts and started his networking round. I watched him go from one to the other, dazzling smile so fixed in place it seemed someone had superglued his jaws to stay fixed that way.

He was nice, but he was also so... superficial. In that aspect he fitted well with the world he worked in, the world of glitz and glamour and fame. He was always working hard, climbing the ladder of success or trying to at least. That was a family trait, we had more traits by the way. Stuck up snobism was ingrained in every cell of every family member... except me. I felt like an outsider to my own family, tolerated because they couldnt dump me but forced into a life I hated. My mother was waiting to hear the wedding bells not for my own happiness but for the big event she could make of it.

A smattering of applause disturbed my thoughts and like everyone in the room my eyes were drawn to the door where the honoured guests themselves made their entrance. My uncle stood beside me once more, and whispered the names of each band member in my ear as they came in. First was a gangsta style rapper wannabe who looked as if he had taken his bedcovers and tied them around his body. Second was the drummer, the "sane looking one" so to speak, completely underdressed in a jeans, t shirt and trucker cap. He smiled as he greeted the room in general and his smile seemed genuine. I liked him already... Third one was a boy with longish brown hair, who seemed to be trying very hard to blend in with the wall behind him.

"Now we wait for Bill"

My uncles words caught me off guard. Wait for Bill? Was this "Bill" anything special maybe? The question in my head was answered before I had a chance to say it aloud, as he walked into the room. Special indeed... A head like a pincushion on top of a scrawny skinny frame. His eyes were heavily made up and there were chains hanging around his neck enough to drown him if he were thrown into the water. But it was still his hair that caught my attention. As if someone had detonated something underneath it and borrowed my uncles superglue to make it stand up after the explosion. It was the stupidest hairstyle I'd ever seen....

"Is he supposed to look like that?"

I jabbered away to my uncle about how stupid I thought Bill looked, using his name several times. I felt safe because after all, we were talking in Dutch and no one paid attention. I thought... but I had forgotten we were standing next to the best food in the room, and I had also forgotten that "Bill" didnt need translation, a name is a name. To complete the list of things I'd forgotten, the word for "idiot" is the same in German as in Dutch......

I knew I was in trouble when I sensed someone behind me. The first thing that really hit me was his smell, that first time I already tried to figure out what the components were. Cigarettes, faintly, but something else too... I turned and met Pincushions eyes, shimmering with faint amusement, a smile on his face. It was clear he had been eavesdropping, not too hard since I hadnt bothered to keep my voice down anyway.

"So, you think I look like an idiot?"

Oops........

Okay I liked the first chapter, but now this is really good. I love your description - we write the same way. CAN'T WAIT FOR MORE! :3 <3

Glad you like it I never wrote before...


Ok... this could get ugly. I braced myself for security to remove me from the room but the glint of amusement didnt die in his chocolate brown eyes. If I was honest with myself (and I did so very reluctantly...) I had to admit he was a good looking guy underneath that stupid looking hair. He took one of the plates and started piling up the food. Certainly his thin frame wasnt the result of a diet...

"Still waiting..."

For what? For me to say yes or no? Incredulous I looked at him, resisting the sudden strong urge to poke my tongue out at him. This guy was incredible... In a room full of music industry big bosses he stands there calmly, waiting for me to insult him a little more. Well, ok then...

"That hair is the most ridiculous thing I ever saw. What did you do put your fingers in a socket?"

Immediately he rolled his eyes as if to say he'd heard that a million times before, which he probably had. Then I extended my hand and introduced myself properly to him, which took him by surprise.

"Bet you thought I didnt have any manners at all huh?"

After manfully juggling the plate for half a second, he shook my hand with a genuine smile on his face

"Wasnt betting on it anymore."

I couldnt help smiling back. This guy was oozing charm and I was unable to resist. He asked me if I would be attending their concert later and I said yes of course and added immediately I had no idea of their music or whatsoever. He raised his eyebrows, clearly this amused him and suddenly he looked at me like I was a little alien. Which I kind of was, only I wasnt going to explain all that to him right now.

"See you at the show then"

he was right, I would be going backstage there too probably, so with a little wave he parted, leaving me more impressed than I should have been. Pincushion was not so bad....

About three hours later I nearly wished they HAD thrown me out and told me never to come back. We had made our way to the hall and I was being screamed to death by thousands of hysterical teenagers. And the band wasnt even out yet... Fingers deep in my ears I tried to lower the noise levels but no joy... The hysterics were everywhere. I had been to more than one concert in my time, all thanks to my uncle, but never before had I experienced something like this, a mass of people that seemed to be boiling even before anything had happened. I was beginning to have serious second thoughts....

The show itself was not half bad, that needs to be said. It was for me the first time I heard their music and it seemed standard poprock with a little hair, eh... I mean edge, thrown in for good measure. One song followed after another in a pleasant rhythm and of course the hysterics were everywhere. I seemed to have chosen a spot very close to a throng of Bill lovers who insisted on screaming his name every ten seconds or so. It made me pay more attention to him and yes, I admitted to myself right then and there, the kid had stage presence. The hair still made me giggle but underneath the crazy hair was someone who could actually sing half decent...

Even though I wasnt planning on telling him that in too many words...

For someone who's never written, you're not half bad!
I like it, once again, and I can't wait for how she DID tell him! :3

We didnt meet eachother anymore after the show that time, other duties coupled with my uncles wish to do other things made it so we only vaguely waved at eachother. My uncle was invited to the show in Cologne four days later however, the final show of their tour. He wanted to go and for many reasons I joined him. Not just the band, it meant four days away from home, four days when I could be myself and not someone else's puppet. I didnt want them to end, but sadly time did what it always does when you're having fun: it passed much too fast.

The Koln arena was big, confusing and did I mention it was big? Well, it seemed to have a bigger backstage area, lets put it that way... But big or small, backstage is always kind of the same vibe... half bored half excited people who are happy to be there but they'd rather die a thousand deaths than admit that to anyone else in the room. It was important to "play it cool" while nibbling on the delicious food, waiting for the band. I felt sad, thinking I would have to return home the same night. My mind wasnt on the boys, not at all, until they walked in. I looked for the spikes of Bills hair over the heads of others but couldnt find him so I figured he wanted to make a "grand entrance" again.

As I turned around the corner of my eye caught him though, standing three feet away from me and talking to someone of their crew. I glanced over...

Nooooo....

Ok, no glancing anymore, just look at him...

NO way!!

There has to be a rule in life that states that boys' hair should not look like they just stepped out of a Loreal commercial, all sleek and shiny. There should be another rule that whenever someone is going to look hot with their hair down rather than spiked up you should be warned beforehand. If it were up to me, lots of rules would exist... Because he did look unbelievably jummy with his hair all sleek and shiny, and I found myself sort of nailed to the spot. The bangs hanging over his forehead were thrown back with a casual flick of his head that readjusted his hair to perfection. I wasnt sure I was able to produce intelligent speech now. I just stared at him as if I was seeing him for the first time, a boy on his way to becoming a man. His features were still soft, but shining through the "babyface" was the gorgeous specimen of man he was going to become. I had just been too distracted by that palmtree on his head before to notice properly.

"hi"

Hi back, hot stuff...
Then I mentally shook myself, no flirting allowed... Not with 17 year old rock gods anyway. Even if they were a hot piece of work. With a smile I pointedly looked at his head, and his own smile immediately lightened up his entire face. We both sort of understood that "hair" was a big part of our "bonding". We chatted for a little while, and I tried desperately not to notice how his eyes danced with specs of light, how his perfect nose wrinkled when he laughed. I tried not to focus on how soft his lips looked or how perfectly his raven hair caught the spotlights. I tried not to hear that he was saying nice things, and most of all I tried to not give in to that sinking feeling I had. That feeling that made me want to touch him, that feeling that made me wonder what he would taste like... I was in a relationship, an unhappy relationship that I couldnt escape from. I had long learned to put aside my own happiness.

Unwillingly I pushed my own thoughts back to David, back to the loveless home I had left behind. How many times had I fantasized about leaving? I couldnt even count them anymore... I also knew it wasnt possible. I had never been free to follow my heart, but never before had my heart said so clearly what it wanted.

Its just infatuation... Its just a good looking kid thats all...

But as I watched him wander around the room, talking, laughing, smiling, I knew it was already more than just that...

I love reading your writing.
As usual, your writing style is incredibly descriptive and evocative - it creates a visual picture in the mind of the reader.
Thank you for posting

I stayed away for months after that, hoping that "abstination" was the cure for my feelings. And it was, up to a certain point... Partly because David beat the crap out of me every chance he got, partly because it was much easier to convince myself there was nothing special when he was miles away in every possible meaning of the word. In itself my feelings were harmless enough, just some so called "butterflies in my stomach"... I hadnt murdered anyone and I hadnt done anything but still... The feelings put me in a dangerous position. David, far from a romantic, would not stand for any sort of "disobedience" and falling for another guy was certainly that. Even if the guy was a singer, wouldnt matter... Once before I had allowed myself a romantic fantasy, and the thought of my punishment alone should have been enough to make me hate Bill. Thoroughly...

My birthday drew closer, a thought that didnt fill me with any joy nor sadness. My birthday was just there, pretty much like I was just there. Just another year that this "waste of space" had been allowed to live. I knew my parents would congratulate any drunk driver who killed me while running a red light, but since David hardly let me get out, their prayers hadnt been answered yet. My uncle was the one who, like every year, decided that I should celebrate. There was an award ceremony planned two days before my birthday and he figured that a VIP treatment there was just the thing I needed. I didnt argue, it saved me from whatever "surprise" David might have planned, who knows I might even enjoy myself there.

See the thing with me was that I was beginning to "let go". I was beginning to stop caring what happened, I was starting to believe I had no future, nothing to fight for nothing to live for even. I was just ... there. And the indifference that was pulling me into its clammy arms was worse than any despair could be. Indifference for how many times I was raped, or by who, indifference for how many times I was beaten for mistakes I didnt make...

When they tell you long enough you're just a piece of crap, a literal waste of space, somewhere along the road you start to believe them.

Thats why my birthday was no particular turning point, or anything. It was just numbers changing. My uncle made a fuss when we walked into the arena, making it a big point to tell everyone we greeted that it was my birthday. I just let it all happen, until a familiar word, a german sentence behind me woke me up from my daze. I turned around, and there he was... He was every bit as exquisite as I remembered him, his kindness showing even from here. I had forgotten how his eyes could laugh, and immediately everything that I had convinced myself didnt exist, came back in full force. He noticed us, and his smile became wider as if he too, was happy to see me. I stepped aside and manoeuvred my uncle closer so that he would be the first one they saw. This proved to be a mistake because he wasted no time in telling the boys ... yeah ok... my birthday was two days later but ok... Gustav gave me a kiss, out of the blue, and then I was condemned to receive three kisses from each of them. I tried to ignore the new surge of fluttering that that induced...

They were the kings of the awards, winning in each category they were nominated in, shining on the stage. They invited me to their concert the next day, and happily I accepted. I told myself it didnt mean anything, but I knew better. It meant a lot to me... Their concert was fantastic, as always. He looked at me from the stage, more than once... quite a few times... But that means nothing of course...

I was so wrong there...

Your story keeps getting more interesting with every chapter
Lovin' it.

And this line is completely true: "When they tell you long enough you're just a piece of crap, a literal waste of space, somewhere along the road you start to believe them." Agreed.

It wasnt a real afterparty, it was more a round of drinks in the boring backstage rooms of the arena. I had stayed, along with my uncle who was invited by the management. I could tell they were trying to "kiss up to him" (they being entourage of course) and my uncle is the kind of person to relish any kind of special attention. It was disgusting to watch, truth be told... So inbetween trying to stay clear of my uncle and not getting too close to Bill I had chosen a very neutral spot on the dirty brown sofa, coke light in my hand, trying to figure out if I wanted to even be there or not. I felt the couch move and I didnt even have to look up to know who it was that sat beside me now. His mere presence was electrifying... High time to do something about this.

"Nothing better to do?"

I could bite my tongue when I heard the harsh words, felt him stiffen at my unfriendly tone. But I had no choice, I couldnt fall for him any further than I already had. I glanced aside and met a very puzzled gaze underneath his usual hedgehog hair. His eyes seemed to ask me what was wrong, with more concern than I ever saw in anyone's look before. I bit my lip and looked back to my knees, hoping he would leave. Hoping he would stay... My heart and my mind were at war with eachother. My mind knew I had to steer clear or pay dearly for it, somehow. My heart just wanted to explore these strange new feelings. I hadnt had a romance before... you could say me and David was an "arranged marriage" and love wasnt a part of that.

"Is it the hair again?"

I couldnt help myself, I smiled. That hair was fast becoming our private joke but this time he brought it up. I reached out and touched the surprisingly soft poof and pretended to hurt myself on the spikes. Whining I rubbed my hand as if I'd run it across a razor, but the corners of my mouth were twitching upwards in another smile. With a sigh and a grunt he disappeared, smiling himself. What was it though, that made us gravitate towards eachother so much? Tom had told me it was because I acted so normal around them, but surely I couldnt be the only one... And as for me, it wasnt exactly normal that I could perfectly recall every look, every smile, every word we'd ever spoken. Not normal that I could 'smell him' even when he was miles away... I glanced up at my uncle who was still being wooed and lost myself in thought for a moment. It couldnt have been much more than a moment because the couch shifted again.

"There, better?"

Huh?
I was still halfway dazed, lost in thoughts, but when I looked up I saw a thoroughly wet haired (and flat haired) Bill sitting next to me. His smile was to die for, and I felt my mouth pull too. This kid was unbelievable... I shook my head at him and laughed heartily when I saw his left arm rise up to brush some strands of hair back.

"Hey, hang on"

His puzzled gaze disappeared quickly as I took his hand, turned his arm up and examined the fresh tattoo there. "Freiheit"... freedom. It looked great, delicate and intricate and as if I was dazed, my finger started following the pattern the lines made on his arm, from the curl above the F to the winding lines underneath it. It was possible to follow the lines completely without even lifting my finger... He silently just sat there, then his hand closed around mine, bringing me back to the here and now with a shock as I realised what I was doing, where I was and who I was doing it with... I shocked myself out of trance and glanced around me, almost as if I expected David to be there to catch me "cheating on him". Then my eyes met Bills, and for once in my life I understood perfectly what he wanted to tell me. That he didnt mind... That he...

"Sorry"

I was a coward, true. I cursed myself as I filled my lungs with the cold october air outside the arena. I was crazy about Bill... and there was nothing I could do about that. David would kill me, or him, or both. What was I to do? I had nowhere to go, no one who could help. It was best to just forget it, a resolve I had made countless times before, true, but I would stick to it this time. With a deep sigh I took out my mobile phone and checked, but nothing had come in. I was usually left alone when I was with my uncle... it was when I got home that the nightmare began again. I scrolled through my files, looking for "my song". It was a song from a movie soundtrack that hadnt been released yet, but I had fallen in love with it the moment I'd heard it. I put it on speaker and leaned back against the wall as the soothing music washed over me. The words made tears sting behind my closed eyelids, because they were so perfect for me and my situation. They described me and Bill as if the song had been written just for us. Well, minus a few details...


...So close together
And when I'm with you
So close to feeling alive

A life goes by
Romantic dreams must die
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know
All that I want is to hold you
So close

So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this one's not pretend

Oh god why did I have to meet him, when I cant have him? What was the whole point? Was there just some sadistic cosmic joke that dangled something possibly very good in front of me and then said "no sorry, mistake"? I kept my eyes closed and tried to push back the feelings of hopelessness washing over me, when the click of a lighter woke me from my thoughts. One metre away, maybe, stood Bill, lighting a cigarette with his hands cupped over the flame. His damp hair was drying up, making it slightly wavy as it flowed over his back. I wanted to touch it so badly...

As if my thoughts had called him he turned, and smiled at me. Something in that smile made my breath catch in my throat, made my knees slightly weak. Without speaking he threw his half smoked cigarette aside and came up to me, walking at his ease. I expected him to stop but he didnt, he kept walking till he was right in front of me, our bodies nearly touching. He was much too close...

"Nice song"

Yes... I wanted to reply but my mouth was too dry, my thoughts were scattering like colibri's, all over the place, half forming and dying before they could make sense. It was as if my whole body was electrified simply because he was so close to me. I looked up and met his eyes, brown with gold specs that seemed to shine. Then he pushed his body gently against mine, making me shiver for real, making me want, need, hope... I felt a sense of yearning to feel his lips against mine, and all my doubts were thrown out of the window, the only thing that survived were my very real feelings of love, want, need... I had never before experienced something like this. I felt like I had lost control over my body as he put his hands on my waist, gently rubbing towards my back before his right hand cupped my face, with his thumb rubbing over my jawline. I didnt hold him, my arms sort of just dangled next to my body. I wanted to hold him, of course, but my brain simply refused to transmit the order to my arms. I was dazed but at the same time I had never felt anything so clearly.

As he bent closer my eyes closed automatically, and then I felt his lips brush against mine, stroking me feather light. He didnt press his mouth on mine, he just caressed my lips. He was teasing me... I nearly let out a whimper as I felt his feather touch again and again, I stretched up to catch his mouth properly, and finally he pushed his lips to mine. They were every bit as soft as I had always imagined them to be, and the feeling sent shivers down my spine, making my arms burst out in goosebumps. I finally succeeded in putting my arms around him, grabbing him firmly, and I felt his hold on me tighten too. Then his tongue slid over my lips, seeking entrance, and thoughts dissolved again. He was suddenly fiercer as he pushed his tongue into my mouth, playing with mine, exploring. The whimpers I had been fighting back found their way out. Everything... I felt everything. The feeling of his shirt under my hands, the locks of hair wound around my fingers, the pressure of his hands on my back and on my waist, the feeling of his lips and his tongue, his smell... it all whirled around me in a giant vortex of pleasure and I think I would have keeled over if he hadnt held me so firmly.

I never wanted this to end...

Amazing. Need I say more?